Today I had a speaking engagement in New York City. I live in Baltimore and I freely take vending and speaking engagements in New York. I woke up this morning feeling like I didn’t want to go. I just went to the Jay and Bey concert, I was tired and have a lot of personal home issues I need tending to.
But in typical hustle mode, I got up. I woke after only 4 hours of sleep and got ready for the bus. I had to stop at my shop because I also agreed to vend at this event . I got a big bag of merch, a hang rack, my travel bag with my clothes, a book bag and a mannequin for my set up. I got into an Uber to arrive at the bus for 7am. Unfortunately as I arrived, the bus was pulling out to leave. I jumped back into the Uber and went across town to another bus to be told it was sold out. I was speaking on a panel and I felt I was obligated to be there (not contractually but morally for myself). I hopped back in the Uber for the 3rd time and any smart person would take this as a sign to go home and just call it quits. But I took it as a sign to go harder and fulfill my obligation.
I took the 8am bus, lugging 3 bags and a hang rack and my signage and a mannequin. As soon as I arrived in New York my first thoughts was “why am I here?” I’m tired. I’ve been going at it since Essence Fest and other big events... why REALLY are you here? I had no real excuse to my self of my I am not being kind to myself. Why I am not listening to my body and resting as needed. I’m so caught in a hustlers mentality and I have a staff and I say out loud I transitioned my hustle to a business, but mentally I haven’t.
I made a new friend today and he asked, “are you comfortable with your success?” And the answer is No, it scares me. I am not afraid of not being successful, I am afraid of my success. It terrifies me to know all the things I dreamed of are here. I function like a person who doesn’t have much, because it’s what I know.
I went to the event... fulfilled my “obligations” and I am now heading home. I canceled dinner plans, purchased a new bus ticket and I decided to leave New York City. I am meeting with my assistant and marketing team on Monday and I want to reevaluate my schedule. I no longer have to do “everything” that falls in my lap. I don’t have to break my neck and be everywhere because I need to be seen and I need people to know about my business. They know, they’ve heard of me and if they don’t... they will.
I look silly walking with a rack and 4 bags (and I left my damn banner in the Uber). I’m not being kind to myself and I’m exhausting the use of my energy in the wrong places. I could of been more productive from bed today.
As you become more successful, you have to shift too. Not just your business, but your mentality.